I hate Barnes & Noble.
There are only about three authors that I would actually bother to go to the bookstore for, the week their book is released. Loretta Chase, whose book, Not Quite A Lady was suppose to drop yesterday, is one of em. Most other authors would be lucky if I get to their books in the same year that the book came out in. So, how hard can it be to have a novel on display for me to buy on its supposed release date? Never had a problem whenever I wanted a DVD from Best Buy on its release date. I checked two B&Ns and neither had the Chase. Which sucks because B&N is my only brick&mortar option since I live in a romance-hatin’ neighborhood like the Upper East Side in NYC.
Okay, so since I am there, I check out the New Releases section to look for something else to buy instead and I see Bertrice Small’s The Twilight Lord. It’s the third book in her “Hetar Series” which is her version of Lord-of-the-Rings- meets-Ellora’s-Cave. I had read the first book in the series, Lara, and had passed on reading the second book (forgot what it was called) since I prefer my smut in a historical or contemporary setting (paranormals aint my cuppa). The Hetar series has this Middle Earth setting with knights, wizards, faeries, and walking trees and what-not.
Anyhoo. Since I’m bored, I decided to do the “69 Test” on The Twilight Lord. (In order to get a good representation of a book, theoretically, all you have to do is go to Page 69 and read it.) So what’s on Page 69?
Oh. My. God.
Page 69 starts this long-ass chapter where the heroine Lara gets it on with the villainous Twilight Lord , Kol. Now, Kol is not just any ole villain who needs lots of kinky skanky sex. Kol is special. Kol. Has. TWO. Love! Lances!! His second rod is described as longer and pointier and IRRIDESCENT
like an unicorn’s horn. Small also writes that when the times comes to create the next Twilight Lord, Kol’s penis (um, what’s the plural of penis? peni? pene?) will develop sharp nodules all over. Handy. What will it do for its next trick? Will it be able to twist into a pretzel knot? Will it be able to take out the garbage by itself?
I dont read too many paranormal or fantasy smut so the only other time I have come across the morphing penis thing is in Lora Leigh’s Breed Series which have penises with barbs or knobs in the middle. How come the females dont get any of these kinky metamorphosises in Romancelandia? Or is the Almighty Magical Hoohah just perfect as it is?
Needless to say, I didnt buy TTL but rock on, Lady Bertrice, rock on. I dont know too many great grandmothers (I think she is a GGM) who still likes to get her freak on.