Note: Spoilers included in this review.
Pages: 208 Pages, according to MS Reader
Ramblings: A week or so ago, I was wondering how come the Mighty Penis is getting all the kinky permutations like barbs, corks, knots, spikes in romantica? What about the Magical Hoohah? Well, when I read the excerpt in which the heroine’s hoohah is literally the petals of a flower, I just couldn’t resist this one.
Hothouse Orchid (HO) is a acid trip of an erotic space opera. Think what if Han Solo had gotten some booty in that famous bar scene from Star Wars? HO has some of that cheesy tongue-in-cheek feel. At least, I think it’s tongue-in-cheek or something-in-cheek. For instance, there is a scene where the heroine shows off her accomplishments by playing the “flesh flutes” (i.e. fellating 16 inch dildoes) that had me horrifed and laughing. I am not suppose to take this seriously or think this is sexy, right? Right?!
Vance, our hero, is a mercenary who is hired by a zillionaire to pick up the zillionaire’s latest sex toy. This sex toy is a state-of-the-art hybrid of human and plant (specifically orchid) called Cattleya. Cattle. Ya. Get it? Actually, cattleya really is a genus for orchids so it’s brilliant. Like most of her namesake, Cattleya is purple all over. Vance has to deliver the “product” a virgin but that doesn’t prevent him from frigging her with some remote controlled vines, a garden hose, a gun, etc.
In the first half, Vance and Cattleya have to fight out of one scape after another since all these bad-asses want to either steal or sample Vance’s special delivery. Cattleya sprays off this floral smelling pheromone so trouble follows whereever she goes. (Smells like Eau de Bodice Ripper to me.) As for the fights, luckily Cattleya knows martial arts. Altho Valant doesnt use it here, I could practically see the “Blam!” “Ker-pow!” “Splat” as if I was watching Adam West’s Batman. It’s the cheesiest.
I had a hard time grading this one. Technically, it’s probably a C since lots of ideas are left hanging and the second half (where Cattleya is kidnapped into an exclusive club straight out of The Story of O) is not nearly as fun. But strictly as a guilty pleasure read, it’s more like a B.